Some Time On Earth (Or Something Like Earth)

Friday, April 29, 2005

Debbie Schlussel - Poetic Justice Is a Karmic Two Way Street

Recently, hydrophobic Ann Coulter wannabe, Deborah Schlussel, pissed all over the barely warm remains of fellow American humanitarian Marla Ruzicka . In one fell swoop, Ms. Schlussel claimed the mainstream media had the entire story backwards, accused the late Ms. Ruzicka of treason and reported her demise gleefully as "poetic justice".
For her sake, Ms. Schlussel best hope she not the suffer the same "poetic justice" . Her alternative take on political events in the US, Middle East and the World has been most suspectand reactionary, quoting skewed and unreliable sources and coloring facts with her own rabid opinion that's a disgrace to the conservative agenda.
But then again, that is not her real agenda, is it?

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Does everyone have a soul mate or is that just poetry and detritus from medieval French writers?

If there truly is sucker born every minute, howcum I can't find anyone to give me oral? Am I on the wrong continent or what?

I like Sheryl Crow's music and I think she still looks kinda' hot, but why the fuck does everybody think so? She's like the female Lenny Kravitz....

If Bolton got confirmed as US ambassador to the U.N., don't you think the world would collectively give Bolton the middle finger and bare their ass to his bushy face on a weekly basis as a matter of principal?

BTW, what's the difference between an isolationist and a xenophobe? One wants to be left alone and the other will kill everyone else to be left alone.

How soon before we do away with all media players altogether and just plug in directly to our heads?

There's a laser version of sound waves that beams sounds directly to one person's ear from any distance. How long before Madison Avenue starts abusing that for advertising?

The BIG ROCK in the SKY is finally comin', you've got two hours before it slams into the Earth and makes mudpies out of everybody. Waddya' gonna' do? Pray to God, make peace with everyone or raise hell like Gomorrah?

What's the point of a nine inch dick unless you work in porn? Nobody appreciates it in real life if you're unattractive, have halitosis, can't talk to girls (or anybody else) or if you're poor as mud and can't back up the equipment with bling bling bling.






Gummi Bears -mmmm - delicious - especially Haribo brand - ooh baby! - gummi means toy or facsimile - so a dildo is a gummischwanz! - I would so love to give that as a real gag gift! - ha! ha! - imagine finding an eight inch candy gummischwanz at a grocer, convenience or filling station - of course, it would prohibited for sale to underage consumers - wouldn't want to give the young uns the wrong idea

if you must win the lottery today, remember to choose the cash option, go to the claims center with your valid i.d. tomorrow, cash that check and head straight to a Nevada casino and whorehouse (get lotsa and lotsa oral sex 'cos you never get any at home) and don't leave until you are flat out and out broke so you will have nothing but stories to tell everyone when you hitchhike back home and memories to keep you amused until senility or alzheimer's or amnesia sets in. I'm only telling you once so don't forget, okay?

3 days, no sleep except for one three hour cat nap, eyelids feel heavy as concrete mix bags, neck hurts, legs are spastic, mouth tastes sour, I am ready to dissolve into the land of the unconcious, I may coma for awhile but I'll wake once more, ready to eat and drink the sunshine, bathe in the rain and fog, wrap myself in the elements, warm myself from strangers' grins, listen to the clouds, watch the passing wind, feel the reds and browns once again, as I taste the clangs and whistles on the outside of my teeth and gums.

Monday, April 11, 2005

gamma rays strike again

250 million years ago, cosmic rays from a stellar explosion 6000 light years away bathed the earth stripping away the protective veneer of the ozone and killed ninety percent of life on the planet. this past december the earth was again bathed in a weak tea swath of gamma rays from an explosion that was 25,000 light years away, so we were lucky there. Next time we may not be so lucky.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

can't fight de universal power

Imagine a BIG ASS ROCK the size of Montana slams into the Earth in the next twenty four hours. Anywhere on Earth. Even the ocean. ESPECIALLY the ocean. Cowabunga, dude! Whenever Life ever gets a little too uppity on this planet of ours, the Universe likes to send a subtle reminder who's in charge. For billions of years, it was germs, and they got their microscopic clocks cleaned constantly. Why do you think it took billions of years for even multicellular organisms to finally evolve? The Universe kept wiping 'em out, keepin' them in line! Then when water got be plentiful, it was little sea bugs called trilobites, they ruled the roost in the Cambrian age when LIFE literally exploded. Who knows what kind of beings might have been calling the shots by now if the Universe didn't cast a sharp eye towards the Earth and sent a zinger to the trilobites & co. to show them they weren't so hot? Eventually after the dinosaurs got dusted, the Earth started to get the message and started to keep Life here in line. Quakes, floods, volcanoes, tornados, ice ages, viruses, fascists, socialists, Republicans, Madison Avenue, Big Macs and Ashley Simpson. One time, the Universe sent a present that landed in Russia in 1910, that barely made a dent but should have made us humble nonetheless. Some have the fear, most shrug their shoulders and go, so what, there's nothing we can do, others worship a make believe deity trying to appease the Universe that way. Six and a half billion on the playing field is just way too much. Time to start preparing not for Armageddon ( a fairy tale if there ever was a fairy tale inspired by an ancient drug crazed hermetic Hellinistic Jew and sold as gospel by Constantine ) but the next big rock in the sky, Wormwood, if you're a bedwetting superstitious Christian pansy. No matter what Mother Earth throws at us, we seem able to overcome, but the Universe, you can't fight, unless Mother Earth is conditioning us to take on the Universe. Well, if we 'splode the next rock or comet thrown at us, I'm sure ol Sol will develop the sudden urge to Red Giant on us, and everything will be parboiled to a fricasee.

Cocktail conversation stoppers

Why is it that during a religious war, both sides are thoroughly

convinced God is on their side and not the enemy's side?

Doesn't this put God in an embarrassing position?

Why is it that no one ever thinks of being or aspires to be the

bad guy? Even Hitler thought he was the good guy. In fact

some people to this day think he still is the good guy! Are these

people bad guys, too, or just horribly confused?

Are criminals evil or did they happen to make different career

choices?

It has been recently demonstrated that all Corporations for

profit exhibit clear and well defined symptoms of psychopathic

behaviour with blatant disregard for every human being on

the planet. If an individual exhibiting such behaviour can be

put away, why not disable the corporation and find another

business model?

If most rapists and child molesters can not be stopped or

helped from being rapists or child molesters, why not kill them

outright? It cleans up the gene pool, right?

Why do some people who believe all life is sacrosanct have to

kill to get their point across?

Has God ever been sane?

we deserve what we dont ask for

Hello!
Do not be alarmed. All of this will pass.
Soon.
We
Apologise
For The
Inconvenience.
All will be
Explained.
Very
Very
Soon.
So,
Sit back and relax.
Breath deep.
Enjoy.
And watch your planet demolish before your eyes.
Don't panic.
There's always more where that came from.

garage sales, ebay and big brother

DESPITE THE BEST EFFORTS OF SHOWS LIKE 'ANTIQUES ROADSHOW', AMERICANS STILL GARAGE SALE THEIR ULTRAVALUABLE COLLECTIBLES AT FIRE SALE PRICES. TODAY ME AND ROOMIE HIT A NORTH DALLAS GARAGE SALE AND SPENT ABOUT EIGHTY BUCKS ON STUFF WORTH TWO GRAND. THE NICE PEOPLE HOLDING THE SALE WEREN'T IGNORANT, THEY WERE JUST CLEANING OUT THEIR CLOSETS, MOVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY AND WANTED TO UNLOAD ALL THE STUFF THAT FILLED UP THEIR HOME OVER THE YEARS. VISITING OTHER GARAGE SALES IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD, THIS SEEMED TO BE THE TREND OF OTHER DRIVEWAY VENDORS TODAY. A GUY WITH AN EBAY ACCOUNT, SOME WAREHOUSE SPACE, A COUPLE OF VANS, A NICE DIGITAL CAMERA AND TWENTY GRAND START-UP MONEY, COULD CLEAN UP BUYING UP WEEKEND ESTATE SALE ITEMS AND SCHLEPPING THEM ONLINE. TOO BAD THE IRS IS NOW LOOKING INTO THE ACTIVITIES OF PEOPLE WHO MAY BE DOING JUST THAT...
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IF THE GOVERNMENT PENETRATED AND EXPOSED EVERY GRAY MARKET ECONOMY WITHIN US BORDERS SO EVERY TRANSACTION WAS VISIBLE AND IN THE LIGHT, WOULD THAT ULTIMATELY BE A BENEFIT, A BOON OR THE END OF PRIVACY RIGHTS, INDIVIDUALISM, WILL WE EXPERIENCE MASS PARANOIA, SUFFER ANOTHER MEGABUREAUOCRACY? HOW CAN REPUBLICANS BE FOR LESS GOVERNMENT; THEY GET MORE INVOLVED IN INDIVIDUAL LIVES THAN PIQUANT HEAVEN OR HELL BENT SOCIALISTS.
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SOMETIMES CERTAIN PEOPLE TREAT CONSTITUTIONS LIKE ETCH A SKETCH ART, SOME PEOPLE WON'T CHANGE A WORD FOR FEAR DESTROYING THE WHOLE PICTURE, OTHERS WANT TO PICK IT UP AND SHAKE IT AND START ALL OVER AGAIN.
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NOBODY'S PLAYING NICE AND I'M IN THE LINE OF FIRE.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Most of this really happened, so watch out carrotheads...

Some carrothead at a restaurant yesterday was unhappy. The waiters were attentive. The maitr'de was attentive. Even the chef who usually is shut up in the kitchen is attentive. But carrothead was unhappy. Why was carrothead unhappy? Because one waittress served me my requested guacamole and sour cream first before he was served his long island ice tea. So he bellyached. He roared. He carried on like a rageful two year old child. The waittress tried to placate the carrothead. The maitr'de tried to placate the carrothead. The bartender made the carrothead another long island ice tea tout suit and told the carrothead it was on the house. But carrothead would not be happy. He had to bellow out to everyone within earshot that this was the worse restaurant in the universe and this was the worse service he has ever received. He kept bellowing this continuously, over and over like it he was a belligerant ball park announcer disputing an overtly obvious fair call by the umpire to the wonderment of both teams, their captains, their managers and the enitre ballpark audience. He was an asshole. And my dining companioin, bless her heart, told this carrothead what she thought. She told him what she thought about the the restaurant and its staff. She told him what she thought about the food and the service. And she told him what he thought about him, precisely. Did that stop Herr Carrothead from complaining? Not in the least. He still carried on. And now he complained about the customers. So the staff said, in chorus, "GET THE FUCK OUT!" And the manager and owner came out and said, "GET THE FUCK OUT!" And all the customers in the restaurant stood up and said, "GET THE FUCK OUT!" He got the message. He got the fuck out. And we all went about our business until he came back with a gun. So I killed him. He never saw it coming and it was humane. We tore off all his clothes and FedExed them and other personal effects to the address we found in his wallet. The chef cleaned and prepared him. And we all ate as much of himas we could stomach. And served the leftovers to bums, squirrels, birds, dogs, cats, worms and insects. The bones were ground up and used as fertilizer. His family called and thanked us for disposing of this carrothead today. That made us feel good like we had done something extraordinarily useful.